A good example of the jokes that arise when sitting around with my friends at the hookah bar...
Sam: "Ross, why are you and Kauffmann sitting so close to each other? You guys are really drawn to each other like magnets."
Jesse: "Haha Yeah, and we all know that Ross' mouth is the north pole and Kauffmann's dick is the south pole."
Ross can take his fair share of good-natured ribbing, but he can also dish it out....
Jesse: "So Ross, I'm dating Liz now. I guess I'm officially off the market."
Ross: "Hey that's great! Now you can take down that personal ad you had in the paper that says, 'Desperate white male seeking....ANYTHING."
Jesse: "Haha, Ouch."
Jesse: "Oh man Liz, I was so embarassed today at the gym. There were no treadmills so I had to use the elliptical."
Liz: "Haha, did you read a Cosmo and talk loudly on your cellphone about how much your boyfriend sucks to complete the experience?"
"Oh my god, my boyfriend is such a DICK."
Tim is the king of unbelievably lame, yet funny jokes...
Sitting at Eat 'n Park with Tim and Brady on a snowy night in January....
Waitress: "Wow, that weather out there looks horrible. It looks like the inside of one of those snow globes."
Tim: "Yeah and somebody really needs to stop shaking."
Brady and I then looked at each other in disbelief as the waitress laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds and then walked away without taking our order.
At the computer lab being disgusted by all the filthy e-mails that somehow find their way into my inbox...
Jesse: "Ross look at the subject line of this e-mail. It says, 'Aquiring a boner has never been easier."
Ross: "Haha."
Jesse: "I particularly like how they use the word 'aquiring', like it's a tech-stock or something."
Few things are funnier than a well timed Happy Gilmore line...
Jesse: "Alexei Kovalev is such an awesome hockey player. I've been a huge fan of his since he played for the Penguins in the late 90's. Just watch his stickhandling, skating and shooting. He's so talented."
Shayne: "Oh yeah? Well I once took my skate off and tried to stab somebody."
Another sweet Happy Gilmore line courtesy of Shayne.....
Shayne: "So I was watching my brother's baseball game and this foul ball goes screaming into the parking lot and smacks right into my car."
Jesse: "Oh man that sucks."
Shayne: "Yeah so everybody knew it was my car and were looking at me waiting for a response and I was just like 'Ahhhh, don't worry about that. It's made of wood. Real sturdy."
(Follow-up note... The joke fell flat and Shayne was left standing there in awkward silence)
I recently decided that I'm a fan of facebook status updates because of the laugh I got from reading Musloe's the one day...
Joe Musloe is...beating off to a picture of Sidney Crosby before the game.
Before the Men's Fitness Photo Shoot, Musloe had to use his imagination.
During a Pirates game with my family, my sister and I were making fun of this loser who was wearing a sweater vest...
Crystal: "Sweater vest just stumbled over there and almost fell down."
Jesse: "Haha. I saw that"
Crystal: "Yeah, he must have tripped over his fashion sense."
There is a popular drinking game called 'Kings Cup' in which cards are spread around the table and everybody has to perform a specific action depending on the card drawn. A 5 signifies '5 for the guys' and all the guys at the table have to drink. A 6 signifies '6 for the chicks' and all the girls at the table have to drink...
When a 5 is drawn....
Jesse, Tim and Oertel: "Yeaaaaaaah. 5 for the guys. Chainsaws! Maxim Magazine! Shitting with the door open! Monady Night Football! Power Tools!
When a 6 is drawn....
Sarah, Liz and Anna: "Yeeaaaaaaaah. 6 for the chicks. Tampons! Cosmo Magazine! Manicures! Ellipticals! Stillettos!
Maybe it's just the nerd in me, but this comment by my friend Josh made me laugh for a good 20 minutes..
Radio DJ: "This is your boy Digital Dave and I'll be here all night."
Jesse: "The guys name is Digital Dave? That's so lame."
Josh: "Yeah Digital Dave kinda sucks. But he's much better than Analog Arnold."
Driving through Squirrel Hill (a predominantly Jewish area) ...
Liz: "Geez. All the cars in front of the houses around here are ridiculously expensive."
Jesse: "Yeah, but you know how it goes. If the neighbor gets a nice car, you have to get a nicer car. Everybody is so concerned about 'keeping up with the Jones's'"
Jesse: "Of course, we are in Squirrel Hill so I guess that expression would be 'keeping up with the Weinstein's'" 
Word on the street is that Natalie Portman and her husband have been house-shopping in Squirrel Hill.
Most NHL goaltenders wear a mask with a lot of fancy, ornate graphics on it. Redwings goalie Chris Osgood wears a very plain white mask....
May: What's the deal with Osgood's goalie mask? It looks like he stopped and picked it up at Dick's before the game."
At a restaurant in New York City....
Jesse: "Wow New York has a 'Museum of Sex.' That sounds interesting. Should we go?"
Liz: "Haha maybe. Are you gonna tell your mom that we went there?"
Jesse: "No. I'm going to tell her that we went to the New York City "Museum of Really Wholesome Things.'"
Type 'Museum of Sex' into Google Images and thank me later...
One night, my friends and I got into a little argument outside of Hemingway's with these idiots from Philly. During the ensuing scuffle, my friend Oertel got kicked in the face and began to bleed profusely from the nose. While walking down the street after this, we were approached by a girl who was startled to see all of the blood covering his face.....
Girl: "Jesus Christ. What happened to you?!"
Oertel: "I got into a fight...."
Girl: "Yeah it looks like you lost!"
Jesse: "You mean one of those medieval torture racks that they used on people during the middle ages in order to inflict excrutiating pain???"
Liz: "Exactly! Just something like that to give me a nice comfortable stretch."
Unfortunately, the torture rack that Liz wanted did not fit in our Shadyside Apartment.
Liz: "Dammit Jesse, you were supposed to be here at 9:30! What happened to you?"
Jesse: "i'm sorry. I'm sorry. The clock at my apartment is fast.... I mean slow.... I mean.. uh.... whichever one makes me late."
At work...
Jesse: "I saw that there was a safety seminar here yesterday. Did I miss anything important?"
Alex: "Yeah like if you see blood on one of the machines, don't go up and lick it."
Watching a Pens playoff game:
Ian: "Malkin is one of those guys who was just born to play hockey. I think he was even born with hockey skates on."
Novak: "Haha. I can just imagine the doctor who delivered him. 'I think I can see the stick!'"
Josh: "It's also pretty impressive that even at the time of his birth, he had already logged 9 months in the box."
I did a job down in West Virginia, and I was talking to this mechanic who obviously hated his life.
Mechanic: "I really hope that we get to work overtime tonight. I don't want to go home."
Jesse: "Why not?"
Mechanic: "You don't understand Jesse. I just hate my wife so much. I have to go to the bar and drink a six-pack every day after work just to be able to face her."
Jesse: "Wow...."
Mechanic: "Honestly Jesse. You need to see my wife and you would understand. She's about a foot shorter than you and weighs a good 300 pounds."
Different Mechanic (From a distance, overhearing the conversation): "300 pounds?!? Shit, she must have lost weight!!"
JR: "So there was a huge back-up of cars on the off-ramp of the highway in Concepcion (2nd largest city in Chile) because of a donkey drawn buggy. You don't see that on 376. "
Jesse: "Lol. Was that the Chilean version of the amish or something?"
JR: "No. It was the Chilean version of a poor person."
This is one of the options in the popular computer game: 'THE SIMS: SOUTH AMERICA"
I've already mentioned that the nerd in me loves jokes like this....
Jesse: "Yeah, they gave us a gift card for Giant Eagle as a Christmas gift."
Shane: "Really?? For much?"
Jesse: "It was for $25.00 I think..... Or was it for $250.00??? I can't remember exactly.”
Stefan: "Ahhh, what's an order of magnitude between friends."
- Originally written March 2010
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